I realized I’m always at the side of being cautious with friends after that. I overthink if I’m being too annoyingly friendly to people then I start retreating and stop being friendly. I stop asking them out to makan, group chats die a slow death, I stop messaging and start just observing from afar (aka just stalking on Facebook and IG if they update, if not they are just gone forever) because I always think that nobody really wants to be that close to me.
I guess it’s like self sabotaging, cos then the other party thinks I don’t really care anymore and stop doing their part. I said I had many friends growing up, but I never had that closeness I seek in some friends or at least that’s what I perceive my relationship with other people is.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I have friends who care about me. I hope at least I can genuinely count on a few people who will be there for me when I really need them.
I work hard to maintain them, but it sometimes some people slip away and I grief for these lost relationships because I genuinely thought that it was mutual. To comfort my mental health, I always tell myself that “people always leave” (Quote Peyton Sawyer from One Tree Hill!). No one is going to love you forever or maybe they were friends with you because it was useful to them at that point in their lives. Which is fine, I guess most friendships are built on that as s priorities change. Or maybe they were never as close as I perceived them to be anyway.
(If you are still reading, this continues on comments)
Hope y’all doing great too ❤️ via Instagram https://instagr.am/p/CGC69ryp7SF/ October 07, 2020 at 10:27PM
I went back to work sometime last week. As much as I loved being at home, I also miss meeting my colleagues and having other people around. It’s nice to have a drink after work and just chat mindlessly about other colleagues and life before Covid.
Felt bad for ignoring Sidney when I took the time to stay for a drink at work, so I ordered durian and dinner. As I came home, I saw how messy home was. Not implying it’s Sidney’s fault. But I guess it was me. I wasn’t home for the whole week and have been working late on this workshop the past week.
All the stuff was on the floor, delivery packages bubble wraps, boxes, some of my plants were dying (totally not because I was working late, it was root rot – my fault! Lol), cups and plates were on the sink for I guess 3 days now. One of the kitchen light is still broken. Unwashed cups everywhere. Papers and books on the floor. Haihs, it was messier than usual.
I decided to wash some pants for work, cos ya know, it’s been a while that it has not been used. So as we were going to sleep, I called out to Sidney to help take the clothes (that has been hanging for a week) in. No response.
So nevermind, I guess I’ll take it in. Then I remembered I needed to do some sorta “chemical clean” for the air con and get a vendor to come do this, as the quote from my regular air con guy came up to 1k, erm, no thank you.
Come to the room and the clothes that were folded from last week, was still on the bed. The air conditioning’s remote control’s battery cover was off the remote for a few days, and it is still no where to be seen and none of us wanted to fix this issue.
I took a shower and proceeded to fold the clothes and keep it in the closet. Well ok stuff it into my closet. Because ya know, I’m a messy person. As I was putting the clothes in, I realized that my drawer was still stuck since pre-Covid. I can’t push it in. I guess it needed some fixing. Assigned this to Sidney to fix many moons ago, because hey, I don’t have to fix everything in the house anymore, since I’m no longer #foreveralone. But, it’s not done. Tried to fix it myself at 1.30am. Then I just started laugh crying at myself for trying to fix this shit at 1.30am.
Then, I started to miss home because my dad would have been able to help me fix my drawer issue, put up new lights and sorted out the air con. My mom normally helps to fold the clothes and cook for me. I miss them a lot. I hope they are doing fine.
ok proceed to ugly cry now as I typed that last sentence. Covid sucks and I really miss KL and all my friends and family. Haihs. The mental load is real and I don’t even have children yet. When I do, it I do, I really gotta change my mindset. Gotta know that I can do anything by myself, like for real and don’t have any expectations, life will be easier. Sometimes I may overthink shit, but I’ll be fine.
Stumbled upon an IG post that said we’re only normally upset about things because we think too much about it. I guess that was what I was doing. Overthinking shit about how I can’t get my life together or at least keep my home clean and tidy, or in working condition.
Do I have my life together at 33, almost 34 – maybe not? But I am grateful for my life and everything I have and grateful to have Sidney with me as my life companion.
I should sleep, but I thought I’d write my feelings so I don’t go to sleep with this unhappy feelings.
Also one of those rare days I’m in office for a discussion. Planning a remote workshop is hard work. All that things you gotta do to engage them and make them add those post it ideas remotely 😑. We can do this, @nouveakq! via Instagram https://instagr.am/p/CEbrhLnJTKv/ August 28, 2020 at 08:10PM