I realized I’m always at the side of being cautious with friends after that. I overthink if I’m being too annoyingly friendly to people then I start retreating and stop being friendly. I stop asking them out to makan, group chats die a slow death, I stop messaging and start just observing from afar (aka just stalking on Facebook and IG if they update, if not they are just gone forever) because I always think that nobody really wants to be that close to me.
I guess it’s like self sabotaging, cos then the other party thinks I don’t really care anymore and stop doing their part. I said I had many friends growing up, but I never had that closeness I seek in some friends or at least that’s what I perceive my relationship with other people is.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I have friends who care about me. I hope at least I can genuinely count on a few people who will be there for me when I really need them.
I work hard to maintain them, but it sometimes some people slip away and I grief for these lost relationships because I genuinely thought that it was mutual. To comfort my mental health, I always tell myself that “people always leave” (Quote Peyton Sawyer from One Tree Hill!). No one is going to love you forever or maybe they were friends with you because it was useful to them at that point in their lives. Which is fine, I guess most friendships are built on that as s priorities change. Or maybe they were never as close as I perceived them to be anyway.
(If you are still reading, this continues on comments)