1. Our eyes wander. Permanently.
It doesn’t matter if we are 30, or 60. We look. We stare. We undress them with our eyes. Let’s face it, a man who tells you he’s not staring at the slutty girl in the back of the room is lying. You see Grandpa Joe’s shifty eyes? Yeah, that’s not his glaucoma. He’s actually looking at your friend’s boobs.
2. You say: “A slept with B and now C is mad with A cause C loves A”; We hear: “…..”
Those love hexagons you seem to relish knowing about? A who loves M who is best friends with D who went out with K who’s cousin is B who slept with A and E although being married to F? Our man brains can’t cope with all that information. We may nod, say “Oh really?” “That’s terrible” “Uh-huh” and pretend to know what you’re on about… the reality is we hear static. Good uncomplicated straight forward static.
3. You must smell nice. Everywhere.
Womanly scent. You need one. If you’re not lucky enough to be born with a natural pheromone laden scent that smells of spring time flower, fake it. We like a girl to smell nice. That’s why we go out with you and not Jim the mechanic. That’s why scientists invented perfume. That’s why there’s special neutral pH for sensitive skin soap to wash your hoo-haa. The last thing we want is to undress you and smell all sorts of funk from the 1900s. Or worse, blue cheese. P.S – Shaving/waxing would be good too. If we want to floss our teeth, we’ll just stick to dental floss, thank you.
4. We have impossibly fragile egos.
Underneath our alpha male demeanor, behind those pecs, lies a boy wanting to wear Daddy’s pants. Say the wrong thing and our ego cocoon shatters. We begin to doubt ourselves. We begin to lose confidence. We turn to alcohol. We end up drinking three too many bottles of malt whiskey. We drive the car. We crash into a ravine. We die. See how it all ends if we don’t get our daily boost of ego massage? Let us take the lead. If we’re bad in bed, tell us we’re good in bed. A little white lie goes a long way.
5. We are vacant up there.
Despite the degrees and PhDs and the seemingly witty banter that seems to flow out of the best of us, we are essentially men. And we have man brains with a 50% allocated space to think about nothing-ness. Give us a chair, a window and we can entertain ourselves. We’ll probably sit down, stare outside and space out. So women, don’t expect too much. If you want witty witty witty banter and wisecracks all the time 24/7, get a mirror and a voice modulator and play pretend.
6. We really don’t care about your weight issues.
You ask us if you look fat today. You tell us you’ve put on 5 pounds. Your jeans feel tighter. Look, we really don’t care. If we did care, we would notice it and tell you that you’ve put on 5 pounds. So don’t get all insecure, we still love you to still be with you. Even though you look like a whale now.
7. We don’t bitch. We say things like they are.
Look let’s get one thing straight. Women bitch, not men. Bitching consists of cattiness. E.g. Sandra walks in the room with an unflattering dress. Women, “Look at Sandra. What is she wearing? Is it that dress from Topshop? Well it looks like she was dressed by her blind aunt. That cut does nothing for her figure. Or maybe it’s all that cookie she’s been binge eating on. Has she got a problem in her life that needs addressing? Maybe her husband’s cheating. That’s why she’s resorted to eating to fill the void in her heart…. etc”. Men, “Wow, Sandra’s ugly as fuck today”.
8. Take care of us. Like our mothers did.
Inside everyman is still that little boy who needs to be taken care of. That’s why some of us enjoy going back home to see our mothers so much because they cook the food we like, do the washing, and when we’re sick they take care of our boo-boos. Take heed, women. We like nothing more to come home from work to a house smelling like our favourite dish, eat and have you wash our dishes and serve us our beverage of choice while we sit and read the papers. The good old traditional ways of the 1920s. Do you see why there are less divorces then there are now? Or maybe we should just marry our maids. Just a thought.